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2012- One hell of a year/Sonata Arctica(and 2 not Sonata songs) playlist

There’s a lot that happened within the last year in my life, starts off at the bottom but it keeps spiraling up. It starts off with a troubled time attempting to get into the right track again in Management, identity issues, power struggle between my dad and elder sister, the growing resentment of my sister’s treatment towards me (which she made me mistakenly believe that it is something righteous, while in fact it is stupid), then a growing friendship (with matching flustering feelings) for a best friend who share with me a lot of common interests- the most striking of which is love for Tokio hotel and also food- and also growing affection coming from his feelings for me that goes way back during the first day of our one and only common class, that eventually sparked a well-rounded relationship with so much happiness and a surprisingly strong foundation that would eventually prove to be beyond a mere romantic relationship(quoting a song from Big Time Rush, it’s “Bigger than a Twilight love affair”, it’s something which would really knock your socks off- we are not only a loving and very affectionate couple to each other, we’re also the best of best friends), then next came the appeal and the eventual probation that surprisingly got me out of what i once thought would be a dead-end trap out of Ateneo, upon which came even more pressure and tension from my sister which eventually led to a rather painful separation, from then things went uphill in terms of academics, love and also family life. While the state of my life goes uphill, particularly in academics, the aversion to metaphysical sophistication, an effect of trying to forget about just about everything my sister glorifies, led me to leave some scars on abstract subjects or activities like Philosophy(the weirder thing is, the philosophy i am studying in school is based on phenomenology- which is learning philosophy based on consciousness and direct experiences) and reading on research papers, editorials, novels or even quotes coming from leading philosophers or writers (especially American ones with French, Eastern European or Russian origins from the mid 20th Century). This holds a problem for me, since I plan to be a history professor one day and these kinds of stuff would be aplenty, until comes a history teacher who has the capability to kick butt with his mind the fears that I have, he knows his opinions and principles well, and also stood against EVERY unjust principles my sister have with society. He was the guy my sister would’ve wanted to be as well, yet holds principles counter to hers. He would’ve been the kind of person who’d stand up for my yaya while she was being berated by my sister for using a “tabo” in the bathroom, or the cleaning my yaya does in our old condo that my sister finds as a “substandard” product to our yaya’s main purpose in our condo as much as he’d had his class be more aware of the unjust plight of the Casiguran people in the hands of APECO and show some recognition for them when they came to school. Plus, he also looks like my Liebe’s Doppelgänger.

This year holds the formation of a deeper meaning of my own identity. This year i learned to held the hands of those i love for the better, let go of those whom i am not in good terms with anymore, take every opportunity that i enjoy and is great at doing and at the same time makes me do good for others, help comes especially when i truly need them and also nothing can make a statement about a situation more than music does. Speaking of music, most major events in 2012 had music to stand as a reminder of the state i was having, whether it is from first, second or even third person perspective. These songs did not only described what me and the world felt and gone through but also set the mood that has the power to reel you somehow in and get a glimpse how its like going through there.

Those kickass songs that made 2012 as fly as f*** as it is. Listen how the music and the lyrics became the main matras of the situations i got into as well as probably a feel of 2012:

Miss Management’s Management Mismanagement/On Probation/On the Way to History Anthem:

Victoria’s Secret (Live)- Sonata Arctica

Tokio Hotel, the unlikely start of a love that proves so blissful- even my 15 year old self would believe that she’ll find the love of her life in this band that would be as brilliant as epicness- in the form of Bill Kaulitz that is. But finding someone who would be even more brilliant as epicness as f*** than this attractive, androgynous singer, i don’t think she would dream up something as high as that or else she would have been actually “high” to end up dreaming that high. But lo and behold, 3 years into the present, there she is happily being serenaded with the most heartfelt, affectionate, best lullabies and songs in the arms of someone who truly loves her and he’s actually even more brilliant as epicness as f*** than Bill Kaulitz:

In your shadow (I can shine) (Live)- Tokio Hotel

Irish Independence of 2012/ the correspondence between me and those who thinks its best for me to be out from my sister:

Flag in the ground- Sonata Arctica

One of the last rants my sister threw before i called it quits:

BlackOut- Tricky Beans (Before they were Sonata Arctica)

Remove the romantic connotations, replace certain words with “(Name of history class classroom)”, “sister”, and “Oh (Teacher’s name)”, and *POOF* it became… Cococrunch? (Hehe… Cococrunch)

Shy (Live)- Sonata Arctica

Casiguran people goes marching in:

My Land (Live)- Sonata Arctica

and to top it all off, everyone’s going Gangnam Style from the Morning Calm to everywhere, even probably if you time travelled to the past and see even Josephine Bracken and Philippine Revolutionaries of the Philippine War of Independence doing it as they fought off the Spaniards(Proving true of what my History 165 teacher said in class):

Gangnam Style- Psy

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CHAI MI YOU YAN JIANG CU CHA by Wang Lee Hom

A song which at first impression, just a perfect relaxation song… but it’s more than just a relaxation song, but it’s a song which i hope speaks of one of the most profound, if not the most, things i found in my life. Even with only just having the basics in life, being with him makes everything in life blissful and worth living for ❤

A Phoenix Reborn

In Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, a phoenix is an immortal, magical bird which periodically burst into flames and emerge in the ashes as a chick. They can also carry heavy loads, be immune on even basilisk stares or the killing curse, heal those in the brink of death, and phoenix songs can make a person courageous and strike fear on the hearts of evil persons. Every time a phoenix is reborn, its lifespan gets longer- with periodic immolation and being immune in just about everything, a phoenix becomes technically immortal.

Just like a phoenix bird, i burst into flames with my past and emerge from them being reborn as a new person. My old blog “The Symphony of Life“, chronicles the last year of my highschool life up to my second year of college, used mostly as a personal avenue of bitterness yet also holds valuable(and rather funny) reminders of the past. Reading my old posts again made me get the impression of myself as Eminem, a very distinct artist who lets his bitterness and gags expressed in deviant ways. Even if he’s in a genre almost monopolized and defined by African-Americans, he still presents his music that way and it worked so well with him. The things i write in my own blog are the kind of things you would read instead in a diary, but still i wrote some part of my life along online and in a blog- including those matters which most will never find understanding on.

Since i recently had another new, fresh and precious chance of following my dreams again- this time without the bitterness of being tied to much limitations- i realized that this may be the time i should completely let go of my past bitterness and forgive those who let me down throughout the years to be able to move on, hold the hands of those who care, and look forward in what the future may bring. Every start of something new is another chance to make your life better, to forgive those who made you miserable, and be happy once again.

Im not really sure how the bitterness i carried for years eventually begins to subside, but im sure it started out somewhere i never truly expect would come from. And i can surely say that certain person has manifested the beginning of a change that will come along into my life.

Weeks before our finals week last semester, my boyfriend noticed how intense my anger was for my first love. My first love, who made a bulk of my bottled bitterness in the last two years. It turned out that even if i don’t think much of him anymore, i was still angry with the bitterness my first love left me and the reason why is because i havent forgiven him yet. My boyfriend taught me to forgive is the first step in rendering all your bitterness void. But in order to forgive, you must understand those who have hurt you. Understanding takes much effort but it unburdens you once you achieve it. And so, i resolved myself to finally forgive him, since both of us are already living in lives completely separate from one another- as if we never existed in our respective lives, the pain of heartbroken-ness is gone, and if it weren’t for him, i wouldn’t reach this point and find this wonderful person who would vow to follow, guide and guard me; will be with me in good or bad times, connected in thought, feelings and heart. Mercy and love finally set me free.

After two years of bottled misery, just about everything which keeps me down disappeared or finally broke free. This is a start of a new beginning, a new life and a new future to hold on into. But whatever i’ll face later on, i’ll be ready to take them. I’ll also never forget to enjoy and love the blessing which i have and eventually come, because keeping them in mind will make an optimistic mindset and therefore less bitterness.

I rise from the ashes, and a new life begins.